Boom! Bang! Pow!

So as any one of my friends or readers know, I absolutely love video games. Not only do I love video games for their art and creation value, but I love interactive stories. As a kid, my two favorite book series' were Amelia Bedelia and Choose Your Own Adventure.

If you're not familiar with Amelia Bedelia, this lady is.. well, naive and strange (and that's why I love her so much). She reminds me of an alien who comes to earth and learns English, but doesn't learn all the functions of the words... so as a maid, she is asked to draw the drapes when the sun comes out. So Amelia Bedelia does just that....

I also loved choosing my own adventure, playing with the different timelines, and thinking about cause and effect and how a decision can really affect an outcome. 

So of course, at the age of 14 or 15, I discovered my first MMORPG. It's now called RuneScape Classic, but then, it was just called RuneScape. There was a myriad of games that I enjoyed on JaGEx's website, but RuneScape was the one I was most interested in, at the time. 

When RuneScape went from:

to this:

My mind was blown.

But in the midst of those changes, I fell in love with a land called Morrowind, and thus began my journey into the gamer world. I would transport myself into another realm.. a realm where I could walk around with guns and swords, fight monsters and evil men and have no fear of death. 

Video games are magical. It's like being placed into a book or a movie. You are a part of what's happening, not just reading about it or watching it--wishing you were there. 

So I have started making little clips of video games, now that I have the ability to do so on the XBox One.

Below are a handful of reviews and moments from the last year.. there are a few games I really enjoyed playing that aren't on here; Murdered: Soul Suspect for instance.

So I hope you dig the videos, they're not very long or informative (I'm no PewDiePie or Lui Calibre, after all) but I hope to make videos like them one day.. we'll see.

Cute Moment from Sunset Overdrive

My First Impressions of Sunset Overdrive

Funny/Pathetic Moment from Destiny

Control Confusion in Warframe

Not Impressed with Dead Rising 3

Hope you enjoyed the videos, and if you're on the One, come play with me!
XBox Gamertag: The SighFi Girl

30 Days of Truth: Day 1


So, a friend of mine who blogs on wordpress (booooo! I know!) is doing the "30 Days of Truth - Challenge" and they inspired me to do the same.

So for the month of September, I will be doing this challenge. Feel free to join in, leave your truths in the comments, or leave a link to your blog!


Day 1: Something You Hate About Yourself

Something I really hate about myself is my over-sensitivity. I am way too sensitive for my own good. When someone is mean/rude/cold to me, I assume they hate me and would probably evil-villain-laugh at my suffering.

I know how ridiculous that sounds, trust me... but I still have those feelings, whether or not I rationalize them afterward. It stems from my social anxiety a lot, but I also have had some pretty sour experiences in my lifetime that have literally set the bar at that level (for what I SHOULD expect)... but I expect way more out of people. I hold them to an almost unrealistic ideal. It's not healthy, but again, I still do it, even if I am able to rationalize it later.

So what's something you hate about yourself?
Share in the comments below or link to your page!

See you tomorrow, nerds :)
xx Jess

Another Antithesis of Love

My heart is broken yet again. I actually fell in love with someone that I thought I could spend the rest of my life with for the first time since I was 18. The time I was young and naive to heartbreak. I fell in love like that again. I had always hoped I would regain that level of naivety and I did. So should I walk away from this considering it a victory, or a defeat?

For the first time in 12 years, I loved wholly and completely. Trust has always been an issue for me, since then as well. The first guy I ever dated (M) and got serious with, ended up dumping me on Valentine's Day because I wasn't old enough to go drinking with him and his Navy buddies. I took comfort in my own shipmates, and my best friend Perla came to my rescue that night. We ate candy hearts and watched "A Walk to Remember" while he went out with his friends and began seeing my hairdresser from Regis.

Needless to say, I was young and didn't understand what had happened. I never got an answer from him until about six years ago, when he started talking to me again. I was still in love with him that entire time in the back of my mind and had no idea. But it wasn't because he was "the one" or any of that... it was because I never got closure.

I got married to the next guy I thought I loved (J) and he didn't understand me at all. All he seemed to care about was money. We made plenty of it together, and he had a bit of a gambling problem. I would say that in a stronger manner, but he was good at poker and usually came out ahead. Once, I let him borrow my laptop to enter an online tournament and he won 10k. I told him if he won, I would like him to buy me a new laptop, since mine was literally falling apart. It never happened, and that's water under the bridge now.. but looking back, I've realized I've never had any control in any of my relationships. I'm not a demanding person. The only thing I ever wanted was for someone to love me as wholly as I loved.

Well, at this time, I had been on the depo provera shot for some time, and continued to have a menses cycle for the next 3 1/2 years straight. It was hell. He always wanted sex and just the idea of having sex made me physically ill. So much clean up and on top of that, it hurt. It hurt like nothing had hurt me physically, but I did it, to make him happy. His family was Asian, and his older brother already had two kids.. his one sister had 3-4 kids, and his other just had one. The pressure started coming in from his family.. the race to procreate. Why hadn't we made babies yet? I wanted to know too, since the only thing in life I have ever wanted was a family. I wanted to sit and braid my little girl's hair and teach her all the important stuff that I was never taught. All the stuff I had to learn on my own, because I didn't have someone there for me like that...

So, I went to Navy Medical and after several appointments and gyno visits, I was told I had developed PCOS, polycystic ovarian syndrome. My periods had me in the hospital, they were so painful. The Navy tried to "fix" all the reproductive problems they created, but just ended up making me feel crazy. I began self harming in hopes I would feel less numb. (J) tried to get me to stop, but everything he said to me never even registered. I could see him talking, but it was like my head was under water and all I could hear was muffled sounds. I didn't want to continue down that path though, so I had to make a decision. After seven hormones in the course of a year, I gave up on them. I took all my hormones in and dumped them on the counter. I told them I was done and I haven't taken anything since then.

My weight started dropping back down (I was about 250 lbs from all of this) and I started feeling less sick all the time. Even though I was normalizing a bit, my periods were still frantic and few and far between. My husband at the time was still unhappy. He wasn't supposed to marry a white girl to begin with, and now she wasn't even useful as a woman. I know that's how he felt, because he pointed it out to me several times. We moved across country and I tried to put on a happy face, but it was hard, knowing the person you loved thought so little of you, because you couldn't meet the expectations that the outside forces set for you. It started wearing on the both of us.

He ended up leaving me by myself in the desert, while he went to see his girlfriend *who was the same race as him*, (N) in Sacramento. The same girl he fractured my spine over, so I couldn't talk to her, to tell her he was married. So I packed the few possessions I had and left. I was done.

After leaving (J) I moved slowly back toward West Virginia. I dated a guy for about a year and a half after I got here, (NP) who I never fully trusted. He would leave, come back with other girls' numbers... he worked security at a popular restaurant/bar called The Barge. He would constantly lie to me about where he was and what he was doing, then wondered why I didn't want to have sex with him. I never really loved him, now that I look back on it, because I never trusted anything that came out of his mouth. He ended up taking half of my possessions to Pennsylvania with him, and made promises to send for me once he got settled... which meant he was going to leave, drain our joint banking account, not answer my calls for a week, accuse me of cheating, and once we finally did start talking, he would tell me about this "ugly, horse teeth" girl he worked with, who he would later end up marrying and having children with... so all in all, he was terrible.

So I dated a guy after him for a very short time, (L).. he was sweet and naive, like I was when I first dated. I liked everything about him and he made me feel like I was in an 80's movie. He used to come to the gas station I worked at and hit on me, relentlessly. I never let him know I liked him, because I was done with love. I didn't want to have anything to do with it. So one day, in February, he came up to the window and blew his hot breath on it, took out his finger and drew a foggy heart. I was done. It's cheesy and silly, but it was what I needed. That fun, naive part of me had been dead for so long. But he went to bootcamp shortly after all of that and while in school, he stopped talking to me. I knew what was coming. He was done. It was kind of an emotional break up for me, because I had started to regain that naivety and it hurt more than I expected. But his younger sister (E) became one of my best friends.

But then there's (D). We were together for a year and a half. We were both involved in the Charleston music scene--him as a musician.. me as a journalist. I had liked his profile on OKCupid when I had first created an account there (when I moved back to WV), but by the time we met in person, I had forgotten about it. He was hosting his first night at a local bar's Open Mic that I frequented with friends. That night, myself, and my two female friends (R and E) went to the bar as usual, but (E) started flirting with (D) and I found myself getting mad at her for some reason. The night progressed and I kept getting more aggravated, telling (R) I can't believe she's flirting with him, she needs to stop, etc.

Little did I know, this was the guy that I had liked so much on OKC. He sat with us that night, we talked and I snapped pictures, casually. I took my first picture of him that night and had no idea why. In the following weeks, we had went out to cover shows and one of mine and (R)'s mutual friends, who has since become one of my good friends, (NN) had joined our team. She was going through a breakup and I was getting pissed. I was the only one of the three of us who wasn't drinking. (NN) was half stalking the guy she had just broken up with and I was being insensitive. I blew up, told (R) very loudly that if (NN) wasn't there to work, why was she there at all. It turned into a scene and (NN) left. I went outside to smoke and to cool off, where I ran into (D) and proceeded to tell him what happened. I was fuming and he seemed entertained by it all. The next morning, I had an email from OKC, saying he had sent me a message.

He said he was interested, and I saw his profile and instantly remembered liking it, seeing the five star rating I had given him. I remembered his picture, with his tacky fedora and smiled. I had met him after all that time. We began dating, and at the time, I was roommates with one of my best friends (K) and we lived in a slum of a house. (D) offered to let me stay with him until the house situation was fixed (and it never was... but that's another stressful story on it's own) I had just quit my job at the airport and he had just lost his job at a prominent and pretentious restaurant. We had time together to bond, as we lived off our income taxes and looked for new jobs. We kissed in the snow. I fell down a manhole. We loved each other like you do in the movies. Then we both got jobs. He began working at a restaurant here and I got a job at a wedding shoppe. I couldn't be on my feet very long, though, from where I had fallen down the manhole and ruined the nerves in my left leg. I was working insane hours, and so was he.. I started looking for another job. I went through a few jobs last year, trying to find one that I could physically do, while he grinded his way toward the top of management at the restaurant. I seemed unreliable to him. I kept trying to find better jobs in hopes of alleviating some stress from him, but it didn't end up that way. Everytime I switched jobs, it was a new routine, new schedule, new pay periods.. it was getting out of hand.

We started drifting apart. We no longer had fun together as he began focusing on work and music and I began focusing on the stresses of staying at a job I couldn't stand and coming home to a house to clean, dogs to take care of, etc. We were both overwhelmed and had no outlets. So we began to fight about every little thing and it just didn't stop. No matter how bad we both wanted it to. We couldn't keep our mouths and our feelings out of the way, even though we loved each other.

Then, feeling like he was detaching from me, I got jealous. I felt like he was distancing, and from my past relationship experience, that meant he was either tired of me or seeing someone else. I started pushing, inquiring and at one point, even read messages on his Facebook because he left his phone at the house and it popped up. I told him about it and he got mad, rightfully so. I told him it wasn't like I was searching for it, I just got curious, but I suppose in the long run, that doesn't really matter, does it?

So, we broke up yesterday. I didn't want to, but if it's going to make him happy, then that's okay. He said he wasn't happy anymore. He said he feels cold and detached, that he doesn't even know who he is when he looks in the mirror now. I went through most of the stages of grief yesterday. I even tried bargaining. To no avail, or this blog would probably not exist.

So I say all of this, to make a point. It's taken me 12 years to regain my lost youthful naivety. I got it back and ruined everything because I didn't put full trust in (D) when I know I should have. He's not the type to cheat. I know that. But that doesn't mean there aren't girls who wouldn't take advantage of his own naivety.

So ladies, no matter if it hurts you more in the long run, no matter if you look like a fool for doing it, TRUST the MAN you LOVE.

Otherwise, you may push him away and regret it for the rest of your life.

Why I No Longer Believe in NBC's "The Voice"


So it's been a hectic weekend. My loving and adorable boyfriend went to try out for The Voice in St. Louis. He was supposed to try out last season in NYC but ended up getting strep throat so bad that his uvula was sitting on the back of his tongue--so he didn't get to go.

So as soon as I checked their site and saw that they were auditioning again, I let him know and he signed up.

Now as many of you know, my boyfriend Donnie Smith is a local musician here in Charleston, West Virginia. There are not many who can hold a candle to him, vocally. Sorry, Charleston. Nothing against any of you guys; because he could out-sing over half of the finalists last season on The Voice. He's got a clear powerhouse tenor voice that is full of soul, it's not pitchy at all and his annunciation is perfection. You don't get a leading role in productions of Jesus Christ Superstar by being a bad singer, let's just say that.

          (L to R: Donnie Smith, Dylan Burkhammer)

Anyway, I digress.

My parents have become very big supporters of his music as well, and have been doing crazy amounts of word-of-mouth promotions for his career. So my parents, Donnie, our dogs and myself all piled into a rental car this weekend and set out to St. Louis.

We got there a day early so we could settle in and let my mom give us a tour or St. Louis and outlying cities, since she used to live in the area. We stayed in a nice hotel, swam, shopped, dined and relaxed as much as possible.

The morning before the audition, my parents told Donnie that the country-hipster girl who won by a hair last season had just been on the news. She gave out different information than The Voice's guidelines did. The guidelines stated that he needed two 30 second acapella pieces ready. The Danielle Bradbury girl stated that you needed three full acapella songs prepared.

And the nerves began.

A day before the auditions and we're getting new information. So Donnie spends the rest of the night trying to figure out three full songs to do acapella in case he needs them instead...

So, the day of the auditions is finally upon on. We pack up everything in the hotel, get in the car and head downtown. There's a nervous silence in the car until it was parked. We get to the St. Louis University campus, park nearby and head over. It was only like 11:45am and the audition wasn't until 2pm, but Donnie went inside to be in the front of the line.

We stood outside, walked the dogs, sat around and people started really piling in around 1pm. There were people from all walks of life, but even before his audition started I already began noticing a trend of the turn-aways. They were mostly dressed like country artists.. cowboy boots and hats, jeans, dresses with denim vests, etc. Most everyone I saw with a red card looked like they just walked out of a Maroon 5 concert. Skinny jeans and bad personalities.

So then I began to wonder; is The Voice laying off country music since Blake Shelton has "won" three years in a row? Which, I think is ridiculous. As far as coaches go (last season) Usher was the only coach who actually HELPED his people. Usher made his people box while they sang so they could control their breathing. Who takes someone to karaoke to prepare for an ACTUAL singing competition? Blake Shelton.

Hell, even my parents don't know much about being a vocalist, but they could coach better than Blake Shelton.

Anyway, he gets in there and I don't have my phone. I left it at the hotel on accident. Ooops. That's what happens when I get rushed. So, here we are, sitting outside, watching all these teenagers/early 20's line the sidewalk in the most ridiculous and/or skimpy outfits you could imagine. They were dressed like they were going to the club at the Jersey Shore. Again, Maroon 5 concert.. skinny jeans and bad personalities.

So, we're sitting out in the overcast sun--baking without knowing it, listening to people sing as they walk by. Some can't even carry a tune in a bucket and some miraculously come back with red cards while the people who can really wail are walking away empty-handed and broken-hearted.

So my question is: What kind of competition is it, if the vocally talented don't make it through?

I've known three people to try out for this show, two of which are extremely talented. None of the three made it past the initial audition. So what does it take?

If people like Garrett Gardner can make it into the finalist rounds (albeit Shakira, the vibrato goat, was the only one rooting for him) then obviously, this isn't an actual competition. I mean, Christ. Shakira couldn't even pass the initial audition if it was based on vocal talent. Anybody can add vibrato. Vibrato does not equal talent.

But again, I digress.

My parents leave to get more drinks and I take the dogs over and dip them in the koi pond to cool them off. On my way back across the field, I see my boyfriend. He has his sunglasses on and I can't tell.

"Are you okay?" I asked, hopeful. He shakes his head slowly and my heart sinks.

I've never been so blind-sided in my life. I've been through a lot of things, as you all know, but this really takes the cake.

Telling a talented person they didn't make it and letting mediocrity advance is despicable. Someone who has raw talent, an unspeakable drive, heart, soul and passion versus some vapid 18 year old beauty queen in a short dress singing the same song as the last 200 girls? I'm sorry, but I choose talent every time.

(Examples of what was "talented" today)

So, to NBC's "The Voice" producers: Stop wasting talented people's time. You once held esteem in the musical community for not selling out like American Idol. But you groom your competitions to sell. I see that now. And so has every other talented person who was unjustly overlooked.

And to anyone looking to compete: Do it. If you're bad at singing and dress like a hooker/hipster, expect a red card and a call back. If you're original, talented and have a voice that blows every other singer out of the water by a longshot--you're going to be turned down and you'll have to work to the top the good ole' fashioned way.

I do promotions and publications for a living. NBC is a corporation. They pay for these shows by having sponsors/commercials. Sex sells. Talent is passed up for eye candy and more people tune in. I was really hopeful that talent was still valued in today's society, but I'm starting to be disappointed. I'm sorry to say it, but I will no longer be watching "The Voice" because now I see.

That time Chik-Fil-A offered me a job.

So today I got home from a busy day, sat down with my adorable and loving boyfriend after dinner and started checking my email.

I had an offer to apply at Chik-Fil-A, the company recently known best for how it discriminated against homosexuals. I sat here, debated, and decided yes, I WOULD send in an application. But not your typical application. I was honest in how I feel about the company and myself, if I were to work there.

After I was done, I announced to my boyfriend, "Hey baby, I'm putting in an application to Chik-Fil-A."

First thing he said was, "UGH! WHY?" and that's why I love him.

But down to brass tacks.

Let me know what you think--will they hire me?