That's (not) Amore, Dummy

So. Where to start.. hmmm.

When I moved back to West Virginia after the Navy, I immediately wanted to reconnect with old friends. First Jamie, then Clinton & Mae, then Phil. I still was in contact with all my old Navy friends and still in touch with all my Secondlife gaming friends, except for Ronan.. but that's a WHOLE other story. So I had a nice group of people who'd been through a lot with me, but I wanted to have real life contacts. People I could hug and visit.. people to care about locally.

I'd just left California. Moved to Oklahoma for a beat. Then back to good ol' DubV.

I caught up with everyone mentioned above and started hanging out with Phil quite a bit, who introduced me to Chelsea (who became my best friend and roommate for a stint, when I moved to Charleston)... then Chelsea being the social butterfly that she is, I also started meeting people here and everyone seemed amiable enough. I was pretty happy being single in Charleston, exploring the nightlife, meeting new people. That was about 8-9 years ago now.

I met some great folks. I met some not-so-great ones too, but I don't like to focus on them.
I met folks who liked to philosophize with me into the wee hours.
Folks who I held with high regard as intellectuals, deep thinkers and all round, old souls.
Then there was what I affectionately dub the "hippie chicks" who weren't really into discussing much, but just spread positivity and happiness wherever they went.
I met artists and musicians who were enamored with their work, but always seemed half checked out, operating on multiple levels of thought at once.
Met tons of hipsters. Actual tons of them. If you stood them all on the southside bridge at once, it may collapse.
I met a handful of gamers and even fewer tabletop nerds.
I was happy with how everything was going.

Then I dated people. Dumb move, Jess.

However, I think I've figured out what my issue is.. I consider too many things to fall under the "love" category. A friend has kinda helped me recognize this lately. I love my friends. And it's not necessarily an "amore" kind of love, but an "agape" kind.. but I tend to mix the two up.

Amore is romantic love, Agape is unconditional love.

I don't think I've ever loved anyone in the romantic sense except maybe Marlon, back in the day.
I appreciate people--for who they are, as friends, as survivors, as whatever.
When I've ever told someone I loved them (or fallen for them lol) it's never been because I was in love with them. It was because I loved them as a friend and cared for their well being.

I've been trying to have romantic relationships with people I don't love like that.. I've been holding my partners to an amore standard but Ive only been giving them an agape relationship to begin with..

I have had crushes over the years, and I've had relationships, but I've never really been in that "amore" love for a very long time.

Self realizations are freeing but damn.

xxJess

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