New Me, Who Dis?

Hey guys, been nearly 5 years since we spoke last. I feel like Doogie Howser ffs. A lot has happened in those 5 years and I'd like to share some of it with you.

First, that last heartbreak I posted about.. we ended up getting married but we annulled our vows shortly after because he decided he'd rather bang a stripper than have a wife. Joy. That wasn't her name btw lol.

After that I dated someone who was pretty cool to begin with, but then he struggled with an overbearing Narcissistic mother and a detached father, addiction and was stuck in the 1950's when it came to gender roles (but that only came out after he'd had a six pack of pale ale)

So now I'm here.

In the last 5 years, I feel like I've grown a lot and regressed in other ways.

I shave semi-regularly now, I eat healthier, I've gotten more physically fit (despite my recent health issues - ie: pancreatic surgery, calcium deficiency and what is likely an autoimmune disease.. more on that another time) and I laugh daily. I'm on my own, I pay my own bills, I bike to work, and I have a job that I truly love. I've been doxxed before, so I won't go into what I do, but I help people in need. It's great.








So, since we last spoke, I've taken some courses in Astrophysics and Philosophy (my loves)
and I've also really gotten into Kabbalah again. I keep going back to Kabbalah.

I also got super political and I'm sure you're all as excited as I am about that.. 😔
I was a "super volunteer" for the Bernie Sanders campaign in 2016, and was elected as a West Virginia delegate for Bernie as well.. went all the way to Philly, to attend the DNC for him. Saw some shit there I'm not happy about, too. If you're at all curious, ask about it in the comments section. Don't feel like going on a diatribe, ya feel me? Let's just say, everything is not as it seems.

                                                                             (2016)

I still wish I was prettier. I still have trust issues. I still cry every time I watch the beginning of UP. I still fall in love at the drop of a dime because I'm naive and believe in love.

But what can ya do.. 

I just wish I didn't feel so unfulfilled. I tried to fill the empty hole in my soul with being proactive for Bernie. I really believe in him. Still do, if that wasn't clear, btw. 

I feel like I bust my hump for nothing most days. I feel like I don't have many meaningful relationships on a personal level. Maybe because I'm getting older and I'm starting to sense the nonsense more quickly. My family issues are mostly fixed, ever since I folded and gave them all a break. I stopped expecting the worst from them, and now we tolerate each other pretty well, with just the occasional blip. Like I said, I grew up a little.

Still can't have kids. Still on some level want them, even though I already know it's not possible. Thought a lot about adoption with the last ex til he started drinking like he did. It's really sad to watch someone you love turn into something you can't recognize.

So now, it's just me and the three musketeers.
(Starbuck, Gizmo and Weezie)



So I've been dancing alone with my microphone hairbrush in my new pad a lot. I've been trying to find my voice again. I've started writing again, which frankly, feels nice, but it's still daunting. Always feels that way when you put your raw mind on a sheet of paper and allow other people in to judge it/you.

Just like this.

I'm kinda over relationships at the moment. Even friendships, to a degree. Everything feels so one-sided to me and I wish that wasn't the case. I can't tell if it's my fragile brain shitting on itself with feelings or if it's actually happening that way. I'm sure everyone feels that way from time to time but this feels pretty consistent to me. Maybe I burn too brightly for others to keep pace with me or maybe I'm only a novelty to be discarded after I've been succinctly exploited. Who knows?

Still play Xbox One. Still the same gamertag - The SighFi Girl
I feel like I open up more to my online friends than I ever could to my real life friends.
Which, let's be honest, kinda sucks and it's a bit isolationist of me.
I just don't feel like people I make time for would do the same for me.
Sad really.

So, I'm just sitting here, thinking of how much I miss my best friend, my Papaw.


He got me. He knew me my whole life. He saw my passion and fire for life. He knew I was a train wreck waiting to happen, so he'd sweep the track for debri and make sure everyone in the train car put away their hot coffees. He understood that I was stone on the outside and fro-yo on the inside. I'm a giant baby in glass armour. He appreciated that about me, I think.

The tender hearted kid who came from a life of misery, abuse and defeat. The kid who things "happened to" all the time. The unwilling victim who decided she wanted to be a survivor of life and not just collateral damage in it's wake.

That's me always, no matter how much time passes. Whether it's 5 years or 5 millennia.
That's how I want to be remembered. Someone who chose to survive and fight for the path less traveled by -- so that others could travel it a little easier than I have.

But for now, I just want to sit back and enjoy the view until someone loves and appreciates me. Even if the only person willing to do it is me. But I'm workin' on it, so give me a break will ya? 😆



xxJess

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