Another Antithesis of Love

My heart is broken yet again. I actually fell in love with someone that I thought I could spend the rest of my life with for the first time since I was 18. The time I was young and naive to heartbreak. I fell in love like that again. I had always hoped I would regain that level of naivety and I did. So should I walk away from this considering it a victory, or a defeat?

For the first time in 12 years, I loved wholly and completely. Trust has always been an issue for me, since then as well. The first guy I ever dated (M) and got serious with, ended up dumping me on Valentine's Day because I wasn't old enough to go drinking with him and his Navy buddies. I took comfort in my own shipmates, and my best friend Perla came to my rescue that night. We ate candy hearts and watched "A Walk to Remember" while he went out with his friends and began seeing my hairdresser from Regis.

Needless to say, I was young and didn't understand what had happened. I never got an answer from him until about six years ago, when he started talking to me again. I was still in love with him that entire time in the back of my mind and had no idea. But it wasn't because he was "the one" or any of that... it was because I never got closure.

I got married to the next guy I thought I loved (J) and he didn't understand me at all. All he seemed to care about was money. We made plenty of it together, and he had a bit of a gambling problem. I would say that in a stronger manner, but he was good at poker and usually came out ahead. Once, I let him borrow my laptop to enter an online tournament and he won 10k. I told him if he won, I would like him to buy me a new laptop, since mine was literally falling apart. It never happened, and that's water under the bridge now.. but looking back, I've realized I've never had any control in any of my relationships. I'm not a demanding person. The only thing I ever wanted was for someone to love me as wholly as I loved.

Well, at this time, I had been on the depo provera shot for some time, and continued to have a menses cycle for the next 3 1/2 years straight. It was hell. He always wanted sex and just the idea of having sex made me physically ill. So much clean up and on top of that, it hurt. It hurt like nothing had hurt me physically, but I did it, to make him happy. His family was Asian, and his older brother already had two kids.. his one sister had 3-4 kids, and his other just had one. The pressure started coming in from his family.. the race to procreate. Why hadn't we made babies yet? I wanted to know too, since the only thing in life I have ever wanted was a family. I wanted to sit and braid my little girl's hair and teach her all the important stuff that I was never taught. All the stuff I had to learn on my own, because I didn't have someone there for me like that...

So, I went to Navy Medical and after several appointments and gyno visits, I was told I had developed PCOS, polycystic ovarian syndrome. My periods had me in the hospital, they were so painful. The Navy tried to "fix" all the reproductive problems they created, but just ended up making me feel crazy. I began self harming in hopes I would feel less numb. (J) tried to get me to stop, but everything he said to me never even registered. I could see him talking, but it was like my head was under water and all I could hear was muffled sounds. I didn't want to continue down that path though, so I had to make a decision. After seven hormones in the course of a year, I gave up on them. I took all my hormones in and dumped them on the counter. I told them I was done and I haven't taken anything since then.

My weight started dropping back down (I was about 250 lbs from all of this) and I started feeling less sick all the time. Even though I was normalizing a bit, my periods were still frantic and few and far between. My husband at the time was still unhappy. He wasn't supposed to marry a white girl to begin with, and now she wasn't even useful as a woman. I know that's how he felt, because he pointed it out to me several times. We moved across country and I tried to put on a happy face, but it was hard, knowing the person you loved thought so little of you, because you couldn't meet the expectations that the outside forces set for you. It started wearing on the both of us.

He ended up leaving me by myself in the desert, while he went to see his girlfriend *who was the same race as him*, (N) in Sacramento. The same girl he fractured my spine over, so I couldn't talk to her, to tell her he was married. So I packed the few possessions I had and left. I was done.

After leaving (J) I moved slowly back toward West Virginia. I dated a guy for about a year and a half after I got here, (NP) who I never fully trusted. He would leave, come back with other girls' numbers... he worked security at a popular restaurant/bar called The Barge. He would constantly lie to me about where he was and what he was doing, then wondered why I didn't want to have sex with him. I never really loved him, now that I look back on it, because I never trusted anything that came out of his mouth. He ended up taking half of my possessions to Pennsylvania with him, and made promises to send for me once he got settled... which meant he was going to leave, drain our joint banking account, not answer my calls for a week, accuse me of cheating, and once we finally did start talking, he would tell me about this "ugly, horse teeth" girl he worked with, who he would later end up marrying and having children with... so all in all, he was terrible.

So I dated a guy after him for a very short time, (L).. he was sweet and naive, like I was when I first dated. I liked everything about him and he made me feel like I was in an 80's movie. He used to come to the gas station I worked at and hit on me, relentlessly. I never let him know I liked him, because I was done with love. I didn't want to have anything to do with it. So one day, in February, he came up to the window and blew his hot breath on it, took out his finger and drew a foggy heart. I was done. It's cheesy and silly, but it was what I needed. That fun, naive part of me had been dead for so long. But he went to bootcamp shortly after all of that and while in school, he stopped talking to me. I knew what was coming. He was done. It was kind of an emotional break up for me, because I had started to regain that naivety and it hurt more than I expected. But his younger sister (E) became one of my best friends.

But then there's (D). We were together for a year and a half. We were both involved in the Charleston music scene--him as a musician.. me as a journalist. I had liked his profile on OKCupid when I had first created an account there (when I moved back to WV), but by the time we met in person, I had forgotten about it. He was hosting his first night at a local bar's Open Mic that I frequented with friends. That night, myself, and my two female friends (R and E) went to the bar as usual, but (E) started flirting with (D) and I found myself getting mad at her for some reason. The night progressed and I kept getting more aggravated, telling (R) I can't believe she's flirting with him, she needs to stop, etc.

Little did I know, this was the guy that I had liked so much on OKC. He sat with us that night, we talked and I snapped pictures, casually. I took my first picture of him that night and had no idea why. In the following weeks, we had went out to cover shows and one of mine and (R)'s mutual friends, who has since become one of my good friends, (NN) had joined our team. She was going through a breakup and I was getting pissed. I was the only one of the three of us who wasn't drinking. (NN) was half stalking the guy she had just broken up with and I was being insensitive. I blew up, told (R) very loudly that if (NN) wasn't there to work, why was she there at all. It turned into a scene and (NN) left. I went outside to smoke and to cool off, where I ran into (D) and proceeded to tell him what happened. I was fuming and he seemed entertained by it all. The next morning, I had an email from OKC, saying he had sent me a message.

He said he was interested, and I saw his profile and instantly remembered liking it, seeing the five star rating I had given him. I remembered his picture, with his tacky fedora and smiled. I had met him after all that time. We began dating, and at the time, I was roommates with one of my best friends (K) and we lived in a slum of a house. (D) offered to let me stay with him until the house situation was fixed (and it never was... but that's another stressful story on it's own) I had just quit my job at the airport and he had just lost his job at a prominent and pretentious restaurant. We had time together to bond, as we lived off our income taxes and looked for new jobs. We kissed in the snow. I fell down a manhole. We loved each other like you do in the movies. Then we both got jobs. He began working at a restaurant here and I got a job at a wedding shoppe. I couldn't be on my feet very long, though, from where I had fallen down the manhole and ruined the nerves in my left leg. I was working insane hours, and so was he.. I started looking for another job. I went through a few jobs last year, trying to find one that I could physically do, while he grinded his way toward the top of management at the restaurant. I seemed unreliable to him. I kept trying to find better jobs in hopes of alleviating some stress from him, but it didn't end up that way. Everytime I switched jobs, it was a new routine, new schedule, new pay periods.. it was getting out of hand.

We started drifting apart. We no longer had fun together as he began focusing on work and music and I began focusing on the stresses of staying at a job I couldn't stand and coming home to a house to clean, dogs to take care of, etc. We were both overwhelmed and had no outlets. So we began to fight about every little thing and it just didn't stop. No matter how bad we both wanted it to. We couldn't keep our mouths and our feelings out of the way, even though we loved each other.

Then, feeling like he was detaching from me, I got jealous. I felt like he was distancing, and from my past relationship experience, that meant he was either tired of me or seeing someone else. I started pushing, inquiring and at one point, even read messages on his Facebook because he left his phone at the house and it popped up. I told him about it and he got mad, rightfully so. I told him it wasn't like I was searching for it, I just got curious, but I suppose in the long run, that doesn't really matter, does it?

So, we broke up yesterday. I didn't want to, but if it's going to make him happy, then that's okay. He said he wasn't happy anymore. He said he feels cold and detached, that he doesn't even know who he is when he looks in the mirror now. I went through most of the stages of grief yesterday. I even tried bargaining. To no avail, or this blog would probably not exist.

So I say all of this, to make a point. It's taken me 12 years to regain my lost youthful naivety. I got it back and ruined everything because I didn't put full trust in (D) when I know I should have. He's not the type to cheat. I know that. But that doesn't mean there aren't girls who wouldn't take advantage of his own naivety.

So ladies, no matter if it hurts you more in the long run, no matter if you look like a fool for doing it, TRUST the MAN you LOVE.

Otherwise, you may push him away and regret it for the rest of your life.

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