The Devil's Carnival

Ok, so those of you who know me, know I'm an absolute weirdo. :)

That's what makes me completely awesome though, so I'm willing to forego some "wtf is she thinking" looks from the passersby, because what do they matter anyhow.. they won't be there when I die. Their looks make no difference to me.

Anyway, I was lying in bed last night, listening to this song:

That song is from The Devil's Carnival (by Terrance Zdunich and Darren Lynn Bousman) which I am going to go to on 01 Aug 2012 in Columbus, OH. SUPER excited. I don't know what I'm going to do or say when I finally get to meet TZ. I will probably stand there like an idiot, say something he's heard a million times and I'll be forgotten two minutes later. I like making impressions. I like being remembered, even if it IS because I'm the only cornstalk amongst a field of daisies. At least corn is productive. :P

 So anyway, there's something about Terrance and Jessica's voices lulling me to sleep with that song made me think about death and being forgotten. Oh yes. I do that a lot. I probably think about death at least 2 or 3 times a day.. normal? For me, yes.

I don't want to be one of those people who just find solace in religious beliefs. What will actually happen to THE ME of me, when I die? I don't want to say it's a soul, it might be.. but it also may be just synapses firing off in this brain of mine.. how do I know? How does anyone actually know?

 We can't. So lying under my heavy blankets like a dead-body-chalk-outline I think to myself, if I disappear completely, if I just cease to exist in the whole of the universe, what should I do with my life now? Is this time precious? Will there be more? Will I wake up across the universe as something alien to me now? Does my energy just end up in a star somewhere?

Just some thoughts to stir you. Don't blow off death as if it were already answered. It's not.

Human beings do not like the idea of not existing. They've made up all sorts of tales about the afterlife to be sure of a continued existence, however bleak. Even in a religious "worst case scenario" you still exist, even if it IS in hell.. or purgatory.. or wherever.

What if you're dying, and as your last brain synapses fires, you just stop existing. You no longer have conscious thoughts. You just stop.

Doesn't anyone else kinda have a mini panic attack at the thought of that? Or does everyone ignore it, as if it never has to be faced?

It drives me mad sometimes. If the thought of this doesn't invade your mind from time to time, what is motivating you to go out and do good things, to leave a legacy?

If I have to stop existing, I at least want to be remembered. Nobody wants to be forgotten.

**If you plan on watching Battlestar Galactica, PLEASE DO NOT watch this next clip, because it's part of the finale and it WILL ruin the show for you**

If something in that video doesn't just rip your heart out and shred it, I don't understand why. No matter how many times I watch it, I always try not to cry. I feel like Starbuck (Kara) in that scene. And something always nags me about that pigeon in the last scene. Do you come back? Was that her, going back to see him?

The world may never know.

But until then, in the short time that this life offers, I want to take a risk. Nobody is going to remember the person who is afraid to do things. People will remember the ones who faced life fearlessly, did things that others were afraid to try.

So today, take a chance. No matter how minute. Smile at that guy you like and give him your number. Tell someone to eat a dick. I don't care, but do something today that will be memorable.

People don't tell stories about the uneventful. Make your life eventful and something people will remember for a long time. Don't just sit back and let it all pass you by. Because if you do, there's a good chance you will be forgotten.

Nobody, even you, wants to be forgotten.


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