Life Worth the Pain

I blog because I have nobody here who cares enough to listen. Than became even more evident today.

Right now I am broken-hearted beyond belief. I don't know where to start, so I don't know if this will make any sense..

Today I rode to the store with my mother to get stuff for the auction. I have felt terrible all day, and the news of things today online has overwhelmed me and made me feel helpless. No matter what I seem to do, it isn't enough. In my personal life, my love life and professional/activism life. That's how I was feeling today. Should have seen it coming.

She picked me up and we were going to stop to get food on the way back from the store because I hadn't eaten since yesterday and have no means to do so unless she helps me, because I just started a new job and don't get paid for two more weeks.

On the way there, we get caught in what this town thinks is a 'parade'.. and I tell my mother, "A parade requires pageantry. Ten trucks with kids sitting on hay bales throwing candy at people isn't a parade, it's a nuisance." and so it started. She starts eating away at everything I say, telling me I'm being an asshole, essentially..

Anyway, we're in the car and we pass this ugly kid in the parking lot and I say, "God he's ugly, who let THEM breed?" So she starts in on her "You're so negative." spiel and I say to her "I'm not being negative, I'm just being honest."

So then in the store she continues to tell me I'm being negative.. until I break off and find some vegetarian frozen dinners (Amy's.. they're the best!) and then back in the car I was trying to joke with her.. but she doesn't get me at all. It's not like she would anyway, she barely knows me at all.

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When I was born, she was only sixteen years old.. and she decided she was going to run away. There are two stories I've been told regarding this. The one from my grandfather goes like this:
                       "You were about 3 months old and she wanted to run off with her friends so she cut the screen window open and left you there in the bed."

The one I got from her when I was about 16 goes something like this:
                       "I wanted to leave and go to Missouri with my friends and I wanted to take you with me, but daddy (my grandfather, that raised me) wouldn't let me so I had to leave without you."
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I'm not stupid. Anyone who knows anything about people is that they exaggerate. There are three sides to every story.. his, hers and the truth. So in my opinion, I see it playing out something like this.. based on what I've known from either side. She wanted to run away with her friends to Missouri.. my grandfather wouldn't let her go and probably reminded her of her new baby that she doesn't know anything about.. she probably threw a fit and ran to her room (she WAS 16) and then she probably decided she still wanted to go, but decided to leave me with them since she didn't know how to raise a child. I was raised by my grandparents, and essentially adopted by them. My mother was vaguely involved in my life, but I called her Pam and never lived with her until my grandmother died when I was 16. Even then, she sent me to live with an aunt and uncle after just months of being there with her, because she couldn't handle having me there.

But this raises some questions for me, since I am the child that was left behind..

-Mother, if it was bad enough to make you run away, what made you think it'd be okay to leave me?
-Mother, I know you didn't know you were pregnant until late in your pregnancy with me, but did you not bond with me at all while pregnant? Can you just leave your child with no regrets? No second thoughts?
-Mother, did you ever think about what my life would be like if you left me? Or was it a dumb teenage mistake that you made?
-Mother, do you ever regret not knowing me?

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So anyway, we're in the car and I try to make a joke..

"Hmm let's try to be negative.. oh.. that guy is fat," I say. Her face is stone cold. So I try to explain to her, "..you take it all personally, but it has nothing to do with you. Its not you that I'm talking about."

So then she attacks my intelligence. "You're just stupid.. you say everyone in West Virginia is so ignorant because they don't think like you, talk like you and they're not worried about the same things you are.. and that's just dumb."

So a few more petty passes at each other later, I mention that my new work place is great, and the people there get me.. they think the same way I do.. and she goes, "Well I hope to god I never meet them, then."

I feel like someone just punched me in the soul. With a knife..

I blink a couple times and say, "So you're saying you wish you never met me?"

And she scoffs at me and goes, "..little too late for that, isn't it.."

And the knife twists. I don't know what else to do.

"Just drop me off then before you go to the auction." I say.

"Fine, if that's what you want to do." she replies.

"You said it, I didn't." I finish with...

So then if that all isn't bad enough, we get caught behind this stupid "parade" again. So I'm sitting in the car with a lump in my throat, holding back my tears and she's getting phone calls, and talking to people like none of what just happened affected her at all.

I'm sitting there in silence, feeling like a cancer again. And she confirmed it by saying what she did, and my heart was breaking. I just stared out the window, trying not to cry.. thinking about all the times she's 'forgotten' me somewhere, 'forgot' to call.. and it's building.. hurting more and more. And she acts like it doesn't bother her a bit. And my mind is racing, thinking things like:

"Am I THAT bad to be around..."
"At least my papou (grandfather) loves me."
"Why am I constantly surrounded by people who don't appreciate me?"
"Maybe she hates me.."
"She's never considered me hers.. I was the mistake she wished she could erase."

So I'm thinking these things and can barely breath because if I breath too much, I'll burst into tears.. And I couldnt handle it.. I cant cry in front of her and let her know she hurt me. She already knew she hurt me when she said what she did. Why let her know how much...

So then she goes through the drive-thru for my brother (the felon who is out on two bonds right now for theft.. stealing from my mother, nonetheless) .. and gets him food, and she'd already gotten him cigarettes.. and I'm still sitting there in silence. My mind starts reeling again.

"What do I have to do to be loved like that?"
"Maybe I should be a felon like my brother and let the system win."
"Maybe I should settle for a life of mediocrity, and just let the world pass me by."
"Frak that."
"Maybe I'm not the problem here. I know I'm a good person."
"Maybe the problem is that I've got too much to say."
"Does my family hate me? If so why?"
"Maybe I should just move away and start anew, away from all this."
"Shit, how am I going to get to work while my car is down."

I couldn't stop my mind from going everywhere but I knew I could hold my tears back.
I started practicing breathing, calmed myself down enough to get a few words out. I knew it was the only thing I could say without crying.. business/professional me took over for emotional me..

"How am I going to get to work while the cars down? Are you still taking me, or do I need to find someone else?"

She had her face all scrunched up in a 'fuck you, see, you need me' face.. and she says, "I'll still take you," maintaining her angry face...

At this point I still want to cry, but relieved I won't have to find another way to work. I kinda wish I could disintegrate.

We finally near my street and she calls my brother and tells him to come out and get his food and cigarettes. He does.. then we drive the rest of the way down the street and I've already gotten everything gathered together to make a beeline out of the car.

She pulls up and stops in the road for me to get out and says, "Your food (frozen dinner things) is in the back."

I just wanna get away from the car so I can burst into an emotional fountain..

"I don't want them anymore." I say in a sigh. It was a lie. I'm starving.. even while I write this.

"Oh well, they'll be in the trash then." she says back to me.

And it just comes out of me, "Kinda just like me then." and I shut the car door.

As soon as I got behind my front door I started crying like a banshee. I got to my room and my dog was flipping out at me crying.. he kept trying to lick my face and get me to stop. And I told him everything. Then I was sitting on the storage ottoman chest thing at the end of my bed and realized my dog is my only outlet.. except for my blog.

Nobody here cares what I have to say, how I feel.. it's all a joke to them. So if you read this all, thank you for listening. Sorry for unloading, but I needed to..

The world is falling apart all around me. My government is declaring war on its citizens, my mother doesn't want to know me.. and I have nobody here, except a tiny dog.

I just wish someone could have as much love for me as I have for that little dog. Then maybe things wouldn't be such a wreck.

xoxo

Comments

Anonymous said…
нужно проверить :)
Faith said…
:( I see that this is post is a little old, but I wanted to say that I read it and I'm so sorry. My situation with my family isn't exactly the same, of course, but I have the same feelings and thoughts when I'm with them. My mom has said some of the same things to me. I'm so sorry :( *internet hugs*

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