High Aspirations

So, as you all know, I do not get along well with my kid sister.

I was outside here at the auction, complaining about how misrable my life was, being quippy and saying they should just take a picture of me and use it for an anti-inspirational poster. So then my sister starts in with her pea-brain mumbo jumbo.

"Well if you're so miserable, why dont you just leave?"

Hello, I havent been in this state for 11 years for a reason. The reason I came back was because I had nothing after a divorce with my ex husband and my mother offered to help me get back on my feet.

Once here it has been one big obstacle course to happiness. If she wasn't so egocentric she might've noticed this.

But she said she wouldn't want to live anywhere but West Virginia. Because her mommy is here and her family is the most important thing in the world and blah blah blah. Its not that I dont value that she cares about the family. I do. Glad someone can care about them. do to, to an extent, but I'm not going to pry myself into everyone's drama so I have something to talk about.. I'd rather have a conversation with someone about politics, or how to save the world... or when the next Stargate or Battlestar Galactica is coming out.. or how awesome Portal was..

Around here, in small towns, you're either a gossiper or you're the subject of it. If you don't want to play their games, they ostracize you in hopes you will buckle. I've never been one for appeasing the masses. Obviously.

So my kid sister tells me that she is happy and that she doesn't care what other people think of her. If that were true, we would understand each other much more. ut the truth is, everyone cares, to a degree. Otherwise we'd have a lot more crimes and violent acts.

I was told I need to stop acting better than every one else as well.. But I don't think I'm better. I just have high aspirations in this life and I know I cant get anything important done in this tiny ass town full of small minded people. Where everyone agrees with everyone else, they talk about politics but don't understand what they're talking about. This is the same town that wouldn't let my asian ex-husband eat in their restaurant, if that tells you anything about the mindset of the people here. The people are nice too, and that's the worst part. They're all so nice and agreeable, you never get to the real human inside. It's almost like it's scripted. You say something, they have a cookie-cutter answer to give you and they all stand by it. Where is the real human emotion behind anything anymore? I dont talk unless I have something to say. That's just how I am. I might say something funny every now and again, but the main purpose of my speaking is to change the hearts and minds of people.

So in a way, maybe I am better, because I'm not willingly shunning anyone different than me. I'm willing to let my humanity shine and be shunned for it.

It's ridiculous. And then later I went in to get this computer, because I just had too much to say and nobody to talk to.. and when I went in my sister was taking it to my mom's car. I asked for it, she tried to make a scene, my mother asked me what my problem was, Ashley said I was complaining about how miserbale my life is, and my mom says "She tell me that every day, but I just ignore her.."

And then I made the statement "..and this is the family I'm supposed to embrace."

If it were my brother or sister who were miserable, my mom would care. Especially if it were my sister. My sister had the opportunities to do the things she wanted. I did not. I was raised by my grandparents who were too old and poor to really help me with anything. My sister had the opportunity to go to a vocational school to take nursing classes and decided to drop out for a boy. She got a car for graduation. For graduation I had a few people come see me and then I immediately went into the military and bought my own car about six months later.

I've not had it easy. I was a straight A student (on my own, bc neither of my grandparents even graduated high school) .. straight A's until my grandmother started getting sick and then I started taking care of her and stopped doing homework.. Went from straight A to straight C. My family wouldnt even pay for dental work I needed done in high school. I was in so much pain I couldn't think and my senior year the teachers banned together and paid for a root canal.

So maybe some of you are reading this, appreciative of your family, feeling bitterly toward me.. but truthfully, my family never really helped me at all. I brought myself up, in more ways than one. I didnt have to make straight A's. Nobody cared really. But I wanted to be the smartest girl in class. I wanted to be an astronaut. I wanted to go to the moon. I knew I had to be one sharp tack to do it, so I set out to do it.

When I was talking to my sister, she tried to tell me that I've made all my own choices and that I have to live with them. I tried to explain to her that it's not all choice, that a lot of times it's circumstance. She disagreed. But there were opportunities made available to her that were never available to me and vice versa.

I was a cheerleader, I ran track, I was a straight A student. I'm a Navy veteran, I've studied Fine Arts, Philosophy and Theology. My sister ran track, was an A-B student, couldve been a nurse but now she works at Walgreens.

She's happy here. I'm not. I want to travel the world and save the human race. I want to make a difference in the quality of life of everyone on this measly rock.

So now I've got nothing but the clothes on my back and a bed and a dresser and a dog, and a person that I love.

I still have the same hopes, dreams and aspirations that I had when I was 10.

So is there a time to give up your dreams a settle? r should you cling to them for dear life and never give them up, just to make sure you have something to live for?

Or should I just lower my expectations of myself?

I feel if I do that, I won't be me. Because who I am is a passionate person who follows thru and never gives up on anything. If I give up on this, what will I give up on next?

I've spent my entire life proving that I was worthy of living. Proving that I deserve to be here. Proving people wrong.

It CAN be done. All you have to do is believe. Believe in yourself and believe in the universe. Believe that karma will work everything out. Believe that anything you want to do, you can, as long as you stick to it. It might take a lifetime, but it can be done.

Love you guys. xo


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Anonymous said…
Chill out and just love yourself.. let the past go, and embrace the future.. stop picking on your sister and poor mom, if they are happy where they are, let them be, and you, you follow your dream..
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