A Menace to Society

I have been quite the vicious bitch the past few weeks, and I think people deserve an explanation (to a degree).

A lot of things have been going on in my life the past few months. I had originally been working 2 1/2 jobs for the last stretch, before all the shit hit the fan. I should've known better than to attempt it, but I have a history of biting off more than I can chew, when it comes to getting things done. Well, I didn't succeed this time.

I was working quite a bit, one full time job at a shoppe, one full time job online, and a part-time job throughout the week and  on the weekends at my family's auction house. I was completely overloading myself with work, quite frankly.

Then I met a boy, while working at my full time job here in town. I fell in love, like an idiot. He got my hopes up, and shot them down like an old Derby horse. I went to see his graduation in Georgia, and he acted differently. Cold. Distant.

Not suprisingly, a week after I leave, he wants to break it off. I pleaded with him not to break up with me, I was a snot faced wreck. I wailed like a firetruck. Then he gave me false hope. Then he said he wanted it to work. About another week later, he was singing another tune altogether. Of course he was. Now we only talk long enough for him to tell me that when he talks to me it makes him feel bad. And he throws in a couple "See, this is why we don't talk" comments and goes about his life.

Am I bitter about it? Hell yes I am. Why shouldn't I be? You can't tell me you love me, then not talk to me for a week. It doesn't work that way. Not with me. I have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD for short) and with BPD, I either love you or I hate you. There is no grey middle area. You are either good or evil. You either love me or you don't. And I've tried my best to work on it, but it's not easy. I have a lot of abandonment issues, and for good reasons that I don't plan on divulging at the moment. Just know that I've lost every person that I have ever loved except a few, which those who remain are mostly close friends. Very few members of my family are close to me.

It used to be that the only people in my family that I truly thought loved me were my Papou (grandfather, for the non-Greeks), my grandmother, my mom, my uncle K. and my little brother, C. Well, that list is shorter now, but I'll get to that.

Anyway, working myself to death, remember? Well I have an old spinal fracture that acts up from time to time. It started acting up about two months ago. I could no longer work my full time job at the shoppe. I still kept my auction job, but couldn't really help with heavy lifting when the new shipments came in. I felt pretty useless. It hurt to even sit up straight, or lie down. Took me about 45 minutes to make the transition from one to the other.

Well I went to L.'s graduation in a back brace. Wore it the entire week, except for when I was in the pool, which helped my back feel better.

When I got home, I stayed in the back brace until about two weeks ago. I was finally feeling better. Except for the constant fibromyalgia attacks.

Well, did I mention that my little brother was released from jail on the same day that L. graduated? Probably didn't. Anyway, he was. He recently moved into the same residence as myself and my little sister. It's one of our parents' properties, so it was only natural, I suppose, to allow him to have the third bedroom.

Well, once he moved in, my life turned into a living hell. All of his degenerate friends have made themselves at home here, and when I walk out of my room, some nights, the rest of the house smells like weed. My sister saw his I.D. card the other day and said the edge was caked in pill-dust crust. You're getting the idea, I'm sure.

As some of you know, I used to be US Navy police, and there was a reason for that. I absolutely despise people who abuse the system, who use drugs, and who disobey the law. It might sound bad, but those people, in my opinion, are the ones who will never learn anything in this life. They will never understand the power they hold. Instead, they let themselves waste away into the depths of society, without even realizing what they are doing, because they are too doped up to realize anything at all.

And on top of everthing else, I had a few friends turn sour. One in particular. People that I thought were friends, anyway. But that doesn't matter so much. Bigger things going on than petty arguments... and I've said it once, and I'll say it again.

"Friends are people who see you for who you are and love you for it. Anything below that is substandard." - Jessica Cha 2011

Well recently, some things transpired. My little brother decided his drug addicted friends were more important than his family, and thought it would be a good idea to put his hands on me. I called the police. My brother and his friends scattered like cockroaches. I spoke with the officer for approx. 45 minutes while I bawled my eyes out and we discussed the legal aspects of everything. He asked me if I was going to be safe here. I told him I wasn't planning on being here for much longer anyway. I told him about my plans to move to Georgia with my friends. He wished me luck and safe travel and left for the night.

I laid in my bed crying for a few hours. I felt like I had lost everything. You see, and this is why... When I was going through the bad stuff I went through when I was a child, my little brother--so sweet and innocent then, was the only person to come check on me to see if I was okay. And now he was the aggressor. He turned into the thing I hated most in this world. I felt betrayed. I felt ashamed, for thinking he would change. I couldn't stop the tears. And then to the rescue, here come my friends. Mario messaged me on Skype and Jenn through the phone. If it weren't for my friends, my TRUE friends, I don't know where I would be.


So I say all that to say this.

I'm sorry if I'm been unnecessarily short-tempered or bitchy. I know we're all going through bullshit. That's what life is for. The Bullshit.

But life wouldn't be life if there wasn't something to put us to the test.

I love my friends. I won't take a bullet for most of them, because that's a little extreme for the "friends" title.. but for the select few, I would.

xoxo

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