Questions of Your Psyche

One of my best friends, Mario, just posted this on facebook.. I thought I would try to take the time to answer it (since I have nothing better to do) lol..

So.. here we go.



***WARNING THESE QUESTIONS WILL BE EXTREMELY PERSONAL TO SOME IF NOT ALL***
                 Please be as honest as you can when answering these questions :)
  1. What sort of qualities do you seek in friendship? - honesty, integrity, loyalty, understanding and passion
  2. How do you treat others? - like NPCs in a video game, unless I know them.. but the NPCs.. I talk to them if I have to, don't if I don't.. I figure they wont be at my funeral, so going out of my way isn't necessary.. 
  3. Do you feel worthy enough of having good friends? - Yeah, I think I am pretty awesome to my friends.. and my friends always know they're my friends.. I'll back them up, support them, etc.. I don't do that for just anyone.. 
  4. Do you have good friends? - The few that I have, yeah.. but most of them are through the interwebs, since I don't really socialize with the people in West Virginia... 
  5. How often do you maintain contact with your friends? - pretty often.. I think this question is kinda dumb.. I mean, the closer you are to someone, the more you'll wanna talk to them.. at least that's how it is for me.. 
  6. Are you honest with yourself? - I'd like to think so.. sometimes I try too hard to get too many things done at once and then fail on all accounts.. but I don't realize it when I'm in the middle of it.. that's probably my biggest lie to myself.. 
  7. Do you ever disassociate yourself from the people around you? - uh, yes. Maybe it's healthy, maybe it's not.. I think that depends on what kind of people you are surrounded by.. like here, most everyone is on some kind of drug.. it's disgusting. I don't associate with drug addicts.. and here, if you're not doing drugs and living off the people that are working themselves to death, then you're working yourself to death.. and I don't take too kindly to that avenue either.. why can't there be a happy medium here? Ugh. Work and play should be equal..
  8. Do you wish you were someone or somewhere else? Somewhere else, always. And no, I don't want to be anyone but me.. there are some things I would change about myself.. I'm a pretty negative person.. always expecting the worse.. but when you live the life I've lived, you probably would too..
  9. What do you believe is the most positive aspect of yourself? My most positive aspect I think is my ability to remove myself from a situation and think it through in regards to all parties involved.. (I obviously used to play chess) but yeah.. I'm a pretty good negotiator in that aspect.. 
  10. What do you believe is the most negative aspect of yourself? - My lack of faith in the people.. I used to be super naive and I used to think everyone thought the way I did.. lived in a la-la land where people understood each other and appreciated them for their individuality.. but turns out they don't.. most people prefer "sheeple" that will just go with everything they say, never having an opinion of their own..
  11. Do you believe your own interpretation of yourself is accurate or do you believe that the views of others are closer to the truth? - I'm not really sure.. I see myself as sort of an angsty nerd girl with a bad childhood, a failed marriage and a hopeless romantic.. which seems strange but I just wanna be happy like anyone else.. I don't really know what others would interpret me as.. you decide.. 
  12. Do you have high or low expectations for yourself? I have high expectations of myself.. which leads to constant disappointment lol.. 
  13. Do you feel that you have some sense of direction in your life? Some, but not much.. I know what I would honestly like to do for the rest of my life, but the means of doing it are far far far away.. so right now, making ends meet will have to do until I can start pursuing my goals..
  14. Has the direction that your life's taken the same of which you had envisioned for yourself? - Absolutely not. When I was younger I wanted to be a performer.. I wanted to act or sing.. It didn't really matter as long as I could do something to let me escape.. I used to be a cheerleader, used to do theatre, speech and debate type things.. and that's what I want to do again.. I used to write songs and poems all the time.. I used to be an extremely heartfelt person.. and now I just feel like another cog in a wheel.. and one day I'm either gonna spring out and do my own thing or Im going to be crushed by the other cogs and die.. 
  15. At this precise moment what emotions do you feel? - Nostalgia.. regret.. a slight glimmer of hope, but mostly I feel like my life is going to be completely meaningless.
  16. At this precise moment do you feel isolated? - Yes. I feel like there's nobody in this world that truly understands who I am, who I want to be.. I feel kinda hopeless.. there are just so many things in this life I want to do, and my time is dwindling, just like everyone else's...
  17. Are relations with your family good or bad? - I'd say terrible.. Growing up I was typically overlooked unless I was being treated badly.. I don't have very many childhood memories that don't end in tears, bruises, blood or lifelong mental scarring.. 
  18. Have you felt let down lately? - Yes and no. It may be my interpretation of events.. I have borderline personality disorder, so even if someone slightly does something that I don't see as something good, I automatically equate them to being bad.. there's not much of a grey area for me.. You're a good person or you're not.. But yes.. I feel let down.. I feel like I should be given more attention than I get, I feel like people only talk to me out of necessity or out of despair.. 
  19. What do you do in your spare time? - Worry.. job hunt.. play with my dog... go running.. chat on skype.. blog (obviously).. draw.. sometimes I get on Secondlife... sometimes I watch television.. but mostly I worry.. Worry about my goals never getting accomplished, worry that I'll never find true love and have children... I never stop worrying.. 
  20. What is the happiest moment in your life? - Honestly.. I have a terrible memory and I tend to hang onto the bad things instead of the good.. I remember feeling very proud when I graduated bootcamp and my family came to see me.. I don't know if I'd call that happy though.. and this past weekend with Logan, I felt happy because I thought I finally found true love.. now I just hope the distance doesn't tear us apart before we can actually become everything I've dreamed of.. 
  21. What is the saddest moment in your life? - Watching my grandmother die.. holding her hand and crying.. knowing that I would be forever lost without her.. and I am.. she raised me btw, so losing her was like losing my mother at the age of 16.. and even though things were never perfect between us, she knows I loved her, and I know she loved me.. 
  22. Do you feel accomplished? - Absolutely not. I feel accomplished in becoming a person I would admire, but as far as accomplishing goals and making the world a better, more tolerable place... no.
  23. Do you feel recognized and if so do you feel recognized for positive or negative reasons? I don't feel recognized.. I feel like I do a lot of things in my life that are worthy of it too.. but nobody gives a shit anymore unless it impacts them somehow.. 
  24. Have you felt suppressed at all? - Most of my life. When I was a child, if I let my feelings show, my family would take advantage of it, make fun of me for it, do things to hurt me more until I learned to go numb to everything.. then again when I was in the military.. I couldn't be myself.. I had to fit a mold that was never made for me... then again when I was married to Jon.. he never let me say anything he didn't approve of.. and now I'm finally on my own, and I've met Logan.. and I feel like I can be myself with him.. so that's nice.. I just hope it continues that way.. I hope I don't have to edit my words or feelings ever again.. 
  25. Do you feel free in your environment? - No. I feel trapped in this disgusting hell-hole they call West Virginia. I haven't felt truly free for my entire life except when I was single and in the military.. 
  26. Do you feel as though you are loved? - Sometimes.. but that's only been a recent improvement.. I say sometimes, because I don't understand how to accept love.. I don't understand how someone could love me anymore.. I don't really love me anymore.. I used to love who I was.. because through all my troubles and hardships, I stayed true.. I was still heartfelt and open (and naive).. and since I've been hurt a few too many times and have major trust issues, I just feel cold and empty.. and when I actually DO feel something, its usually something negative.. worry, self-doubt, insecurities.. Plus how do you know if someone loves YOU and not just the IDEA of YOU. People are a lot more flawed than most give them credit for.. 
  27. Have you ever thought of doing harm to yourself or others? - I have self-harmed in the past.. I used to be a cutter.. used to feel like there was no hope in the world for me at all.. and I still feel that way from time to time.. but on my grandmother's birthday back in 2006 I got a tattoo (a promise to myself) on my left wrist that says "Believe" and its a constant reminder that I have to believe in myself and in the world.. I have to believe things will get better.. I have to believe it.. People need hope. I'm only human.. so that tattoo is my promise to myself to never give up again..
  28. How well do you sleep? - I'm a good sleeper, but I'm a light sleeper.. 
  29. Have you at all felt plagued by nightmares? - When I was little yes.. and when I was married to Jon too.. but here lately (in the last two-three years) the nightmares haven't really been bothering me.. 
  30. When you're ill do you immediately go to the doctors or wait it out for as long as you can? I typically wait it out, like an idiot.. And I'm usually right to do so, because I believe that my body will die when it's supposed to.. and when I'm supposed to disappear from existence, I will.. but sometimes when it comes to unbearable pain, I'll go to the hospital.. just to get relief from the pain.. 
  31. Do you feel as though you must put the needs of others before your own? - Most of the time.. depending on how severe the needs are..
  32. What is your favorite season in the year? Autumn. :) Everything changes in autumn, it cools down and becomes more relaxed.. plus it's by far the prettiest of the seasons.. all the trees turning colors.. :)
  33. What is your least favorite season in the year? Tough one.. but probably winter. Spring has rain, which I like.. summertime means you can go to the beach comfortably.. which I also like.. but wintertime means you need someone to cuddle up to, to stay warm, which I like but never know if I'm gonna have that.. so that's depressing in itself.. lol.. winter wins for worst season.. 
  34. Do you feel comfortable in your own skin? - Yes and no.. I used to feel terrible about my body when I was younger, but now that I'm getting older (27, for those of you keeping track) I feel like I'm aging well.. much better than most of the people my age.. so I am actually more comfortable with my body now than I have ever been.. 
  35. How do you feel at social gatherings? - Depends on who is there, but most likely I will feel at home.. 
  36. What is your greatest fear(s)? - Dying unloved and unknown, without making a difference in the world..
  37. Who has been the most influential person in your life? - This might sound weird.. but I'd have to say Bruce Lee.. he always went for his dreams.. he never let anything get in the way of teaching people the things he knew.. he was in traction after  ahuge gang fight (bc he announced he wanted to teach EVERYONE martial arts, not just the chinese... so some thugs jumped him.. and well you know the rest).... he knew he was sent to this world for a reason and wasn't letting anyone stop him from fulfilling his "mission" if you will... I want to be that person... hell or high water, make the world a better place.. and go down in history if I can.. 
  38. Have you ever felt abandoned? - My entire life.
  39. Do you go through mood swings? - Yes, but only when I'm already emotional.. I'm not one of those people who just fly off the handle.. It takes a lot to get me angry, frustrated, upset and/or mad.. but once I am, you may not wanna be present... 
  40. Are you uncertain about your future? - Yeah, but who isn't? :)

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