So Effing Aggravated.

Hey, so don't read this if you don't wanna know what my mental breakdowns consist of..

And yes I know I ended that sentence in a preposition, and I soo dont even effing care right now.

So first off. Today didn't start too horribly bad. Basic stuff. Woke up, and my mom was here.. she'd went shopping for me and my lil sister.. Got us both jeans, a short sleeve sweater with a hoodie pocket in the front (cute btw), scarves, and winter coats.. (Thanks Mom)

so the day barrelled on, and I mostly worked on some scripting for a website, checked out the SGU chat hosted by Innerspace, nothing majorly exciting..

was having a dull but nice day..

then my sister showed up and said my mom wanted me at the auction around 4pm.. which it doesnt start til 7 so i was like "hmm"

so i kinda left in a hurry, and as you know i have two dogs, gizmo and todd.. well gizmo does well outside of the crate, when i leave.. todd doesnt. he wrecks things.. but he has being doing better lately so i figure, what could it hurt to leave him out, plus bc i was leaving in a hurry i didnt really think it through.. but i will get to that later..

well i get there, i run my papou home bc his car is in the shoppe, come back, everything is still fine... i work the auction, we are all having a good time.. and i left out of there around, i dunno 1030pm or so..

so i get home and lo and effing behold.. todd has torn apart my bedroom. literally. there was tissues torn up all over the room, he tore apart the dog bed and scattered it all over the g.d. place, he'd gotten into the dirty clothes hamper and ripped apart the majority of my underwear and socks, and a few of my favorite shirts, he managed to make his way up to a brand new bag of dog food that i had bought yesterday, and GORGED himself on it.. ate half the effing bag because he is an effing pig. He is very food aggressive. I have to feed him in his kennel so he doesnt eat gizmo's food... and to top it all off, he had almost ruined the scarf my mom bought for me today (my dumb ass didnt think leaving them laid out on the bed was a bad idea.. (mainly bc i dont have problems like that out of gizmo and didnt even think about it when i left). the shirt didnt look too bad, but it was also in the floor, obviously tugged on quite a bit. and to top it all of, he peed on one of my pillows.. but luckily i have a plethera of them, so its not too big a deal.

so i am taking todd to the pound tomorrow once and for all. i cant keep doing this with him. the little asshole has cost me more money than all the other dogs ive had combined, bc of all the things he has destroyed, and all the food he eats.. whatever.

then on top of things, this guy calls me. he's an okay guy i guess but he is too much of a puss. ya know? and i mean that in the nicest way possible. sorta. i guess. fuck it. whatever.

its not like he is nerdy and sweet and charming. no. he is a sissy and all he wants to talk about is sex. and when i tell him i dont feel like talking to him, he keeps talking.. i debate hanging up, but im too nice, even when i shouldnt be. like it would do any fucking good anyway bc this guy doesnt understand what the fuck i mean when i tell him to stop talking about sex. i told him at one point "look, shut the fuck up about sex. i dont care. i kinda wanna punch you in the face right now. shut up."

and he goes "hmm, maybe i like it. what you think about that?" and i wanted to just scream in the phone "shut up pansy, jesus christ, i cant stand sissy men" but again, i didnt.

then he went normal on me for a while, like "how was your day? how is the website coming along? how bout the webseries?" and as i talked i felt as tho he was only half listening to me, which i honestly didnt care, it just felt good to vent.. so whatever. and then he starts talking about "oh you need a vacation, maybe i should come see you" and im thinking "hell no, fuck no, absolutely not, never in a million years" and i say "eh, why would you?" in a tone that tells the whole thought process, see.

and does he pick it up, no of course not. why would he.

then i proceed to tell him that i am so tired of being the stepping stone, so tired of being the girl that everyone fulfils their conquest with then, bam, gone like a spaceship jumping ftl. because, i like to get to know someone first, before any type of intimacy happens, but at the same time, i dont wanna waste anyones time, especially mine... so i usually tell people upfront, that i am into bdsm.. bc for some people that could be a deal breaker, and if youve already taken the time to get to know them, and like them enough to get intimate with them, then surprise them with the "oh btw, tie me up and pull my hair Sir" they usually do one of two things.. and so far it doesnt end in anything but hurt feelings or heartbreak... and those two things are...

1) run for the hills bc they think you are a freak (and admittedly, I guess I am) or
2) fulfil their sexual deviancy conquest, then stop talking to you, in search of something more "bring home to mom"-able... **although in my defense i am very proper outside the bedroom, and want a successful life, maybe with children and a nice home one day, so fuck those guys.**

ANYWAY, so this guys goes ON AND ON AND ON and I just wanna hang up. Im pissed to the max, because of my dog, I hate sissy guys who cant stand on their own and dont seem to have much of a personality beyond "I wanna fuck you"..

Fuck that noise, seriously.

Why cant I find an equally attractive charismatic nerdy guy who wants to have rough crazy sex, have a successful vanilla-looking life, and deep conversations about philosophy, religion, politics and the universe..?

Im sure ONE exists. Please jesus christ, tell me one exists.

And dont try dating sites. Its nothing but dirty old men who have been in the lifestyle for 200 years, and they want to be your "daddy" or people your age who just wanna try shit out.

Nobody understands. It is hard being a relatively attractive 26yr girl who is creative, intelligent, humorous, nerdy and into bdsm.. I am extremely picky about guys too... and Im sure that helps.. Im not shallow or anything, but there is a limit to how much I am willing to accept in a partner...

Like weight.. I dont like bird-like guys.. I don't like guys who cant breathe bc theyre nothing but muscle, I dont want a guy who is morbidly obese either, and doesnt take care of himself. Me personally, Ive been called "a thick white girl" on many occassions.. Curves, boys, yes.. but nothing too crazy.. Im in a healthy shape. You should be too. Cuddly, but strong in personality, because honestly, if you're not, then you couldn't handle me. Im like a roman candle. Try to hold me in a puny little hand and you will get burnt.

Hygiene.. If you're super ocd about shit... go away. I dont need your criticisms. Gotta brush your teeth 5 times a day, 72 strokes? Fuck you. Get normal. Dont brush your teeth ever? Thats pretty gross dude, check yourself before you wreck yourself.

Where the fuck are the guys in the happy medium? Thats what I want. I want an average joe type of guy, with a beautiful smile, beautiful eyes, a charismatic personality, who does well for himself... and he has to have a dark side, or I will just get bored sexually. I'll be like "Oh, sex again? *sigh* But why even bother?"

And nobody likes to be talked to like that, right?

I know, maybe I am asking for a lot. Mental breakdown, remember?

If you read this entire thing, I am admittedly surprised.. I cant even believe I have typed this much, but I am just so fed up with this shit. Ive tried, my entire life, to be the best I could be, in any given situation. Life has thrown me some pretty fucked up curve balls, tho, but somehow I always seem to bounce back from all the mayhem.. Kinda like a Phoenix rising from the ash, but a little less majestic, and a little less trustworthy of people who act like they give a damn, when 9 out of 10, they dont..

Im just in that kind of mood right now. How do I know people will ever care? Maybe I will be like a great artist, nobody will ever know until I am dead and gone and too late for me to ever meet anyone who will actually appreciate me to the full extent of who I am.

You know. Its a hard thing, to be yourself. I know this. But when nobody else is themselves, its hard to decipher the true from the false. It gets old quickly.

Luckily, I have myself to count on, and that crazy bitch always gets the job done. Hell or high water, help or no help. Maybe I will marry myself.. Gotta clean my bedroom up and go to bed.. So tired of the bull tho. One day, one day, I will be who I wanna be, where I wanna be. Will there be anyone to enjoy it with? Maybe.

Guess I will hang in there to find out.

Goodnight, and sorry, I will pay for the Excedrin you just had to take for reading this.



The irony being that we few men who can discuss the transience of the Everyman Hero in film theory, the design changes of zombies in depiction over the decades, analyze the social drift of the icon of Christ from pre-Zoarastrianism on, and pull your hair during rough, sweaty sex and in absolutely no demand, so we tend to lurk under rocks and down long streams.

It's a thing. We do it.
Unknown said…
*Tones of Automated Answering*
Jesus Christ doesn't exist right now, but if you'd leave your name and number he'll get back to you as soon as Pinocchio teaches The Holy Bible to become a "Real Live BOOK"

However, Jesus Chrispy is here to tell you that yes, there is only ONE...and you still have yet to return his phone calls from 2 months ago.
Unknown said…
lol...I agree with squidlord. Try going way out in the woods, and you would have much better odds than where the general public is.
Jessica Cha said…
I dont wannnnnnnnna! lol

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