Just stressed...

So the blog I wrote to jon, well my friends have been supportive.
But today, his brother left a comment (which luckily I had to approve or disapprove before it was posted for everyone to see) and it really hurt my feelings.

Why did it hurt my feelings, you might wonder... well mainly because his family only knows what he tells them. We dont have mutual friends, he made sure of that. Most of the friends I had at the beginning of the relationship wrote me off already because he told me he didn't like them and so like the coward I was, I stopped talking to them.

There have been a few friends to stick around, but not many... which makes it easier, I must say, to see who my true friends are, so thank you for that, everyone.

But his family see me as his burden. He never says anything good about me to them, and why should he? I am the person he hates most in the world. I am the person he takes all his anger out on. What good thing could he possibly have to say about me?

So they see me as an eternal thorn in his side. Well I dont understand why they would be pissed that I have finally decided to give up on him. Before we were married, he was nice to me. He cared about me. He cried because I cried.

The day we got married, he literally said to me, "We're married now, things have to change."

Did I mention I was the one who broke the news to his family that we got married? He was ashamed he was dating a white girl, and even more ashamed of me when we got married. He told me his family would never accept me. But now that I think on it, I think it was his own prejudice against me, because MOST of his family are quite nice to me, and just sweet people in general.

How did I marry someone who was ashamed of me? That should be your first clue right there. I saw it as a "romantic struggle to beat the odds, to sway the hearts of his family" type of thing. I saw it as a Romeo & Juliet-esque adventure to be with the one I loved. And I did love him. And that was the problem.

Love makes you do some real stupid things. Like ignore the fact that someone is ashamed they are dating outside their race. One time, when we were first dating, we went to the mall and he refused to hold my hand because he didnt want people to laugh at us.

It broke my heart. I got emotional, as I should have, and ran back up to the parking garage and bawled my eyes out because it hurt me so bad. Later he said he didnt mean it like that, but I know he did. I chose to believe otherwise. And that was the beginning of my life of despair.

After a while too, sex began to feel as though it were a duty to procreate. He would say things to me like "My brother already has two sons." and try to make me feel guilty for not being pregnant. I've taken more pregnancy tests in the last five years than you can imagine. Every single one was negative, obviously.

I began to think a year ago that it was the universe's way of telling us we were not supposed to be together. Now I am glad of it. So please, when you say you're sorry for my inability to have children, understand that it very well have been the sole reason I will have a life to live now.
Because had I had a child, it would be a lot different. Not in how he treats me, he would still be a raging asshole, but in how I would feel about leaving.

So as we grew to hate each other more, we began to stay in separate rooms. Then we began to literally live in separate areas of the house... like right now, my domain is this back bedroom, his is the livingroom. He only comes in here when he needs something from the closet, I only go in there when I am going to the kitchen. We don't speak to each other unless he is yelling at me to close the blinds, or turn off a light or to put the car in the garage....

If you read my post "Im Like a Ghost"... it's mostly about how I feel when I am here. My existence is a nuisance. He should be happy I will no longer haunt these walls.

He's been extra nice to me lately ever since I told him I was moving out. He has also been going out during the day and not coming back til late at night. I hope he has found someone else already. I know that sounds bad, but I really do. Then he wont have to feel lonely when I am gone.

The thing that bothers me most though, is the fact that money is everything to him and it is the sole thing I hate most in this world.

Now some people would say "Well it pays for your food, clothes and shelter" and its because they have been trained to see it that way. Like he has. Money is only the thing that pays for our things, because we let it.

I would like, one day, to live in such a way, in a tribal manner, and never pay for anything that way. I would like to repay people in kindness, and repay them with goods and services. It should be our civic duty to one another, as human beings, to work for the benefit of others. Then the world as a whole could take care of each individual person, instead of us all competing in a dying market for the all inclusive "dollar bill"...

It's such bullshit.

And this is my life's passion. And can I even talk to him about it? No. Out of the last five years, I would say if you put all the good days into a bunch, we may have had two weeks of good days.

There is a saying "If the good outweighs the bad." Well it doesn't.
Not by a longshot. The bad overpowers the good so much that I can't even bear to think on it.

You guys don't know much about my childhood. I tend not to share it with many people,
but let me put it this way. Even the things I have endured with him are not as bad as my childhood was... and there was no escaping that. I feel like I am stronger now. I have made it through the rough part of the storm. This is just a little snow storm after a blizzard.

That may be why I stayed for so long. I thought as long as it wasn't my childhood, it was acceptable. It's not. My friends tried to tell me that time and time again. I wouldn't listen.

So now, that I have vented this all to you, I really hope you might understand more of the situation. I am sure there will be more of these to come. I need to help myself heal, and as poor as words may be to express oneself, it is the only method I can express with a keyboard.

The last five years have been nothing but heartache and sadness. For me and for him. Except he only felt it in his pocket, I felt it in my heart.

You can live without money, but you can't truly live without a heart.



Ken said…
Hang tight, dear one. It does get better. It really does.

May the love hidden deep inside your heart find the love waiting in your dreams. May the laughter that you find in your tomorrow wipe away the pain you find in your yesterdays.

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