Goodbye

Stop me if you think I'm wrong for leaving you behind,
you know I'm not and that's why you won't try.
Neither of us will be happy if we continue to live this way,
I'm sorry, I truly am, that it has to end this way.

I gave you everything I could possibly find in my heart,
but the last five years has nearly ripped me apart.
You don't even notice I'm alive unless I say something to you,
So I leave you now, wishing it I could've been better for you.

When I first met you, you had my heart in your hands,
and I should've known better than to bow to your demands.
But I did, what can I say, I am a sucker for love,
And now I try to smooth out the past with this velvet glove.

People tried and they tried to get me to leave,
but deep down, you loved me, or at least I believed.
But over and over you proved us all wrong
and now I realize what I should've realized all along.

Its not that you dont love me, its that you dont try,
The last five years, and not a tear left to cry.
My heart is cold and my love is stale
And you know as well as I, the end of the tale.

So as I struggle, for myself, let's be fair,
to leave you alone in this cold winter air
for every time you ignored the times when I cried,
I want you to know, I did nothing else, if not tried.

So I sit here, wanting to do anything but hurt you,
my heart is too compassionate, and so I feel it too.
I regret getting married to you, because that's when you changed,
You used to be so sweet and now you are just deranged.

The bruises you've given me healed, but they never go away,
I guess this may be all that I am trying to say.
I loved you intensely, much too much so,
It pains me to do it, but I must let you go.

So stop me if you think you can, but I know you wont try.
You see me as a dog, with a splinter in its eye.
I do nothing but yelp and cry every day,
And I'm useless to you, at least that's what you say.

But when the time comes for you to be alone,
Will you find someone else to hurt or will you learn?
Will the next girl you're with be loved or terrorized?
It's too late to save this ship, it has capsized.

These things I wonder, because I know you better than you know yourself,
you're human just like the rest of us, except you wont go get help.
Your anger issues are out of your control and soon I will be too.
All I can ask now is that you treat them right, when you find somebody new.

---

I still have the heart-shaped scar on my knee,
from the night I snuck out of your barracks window that night.
I can never shave my legs now, without thinking of you, so
please don't think I will forget you.

I loved you with all my heart and it is broken and twisted and nearly dead now because I tried so hard and you did nothing but hate me.

The simplest of things, like you buying food for me, have become luxuries.
This is how I know you have me trained to think I deserve nothing.

I am a fucking human being and I deserve the rights that every human being deserves.

-I shouldn't have to freeze in the winter while you are nice and toasty on the couch. -I shouldn't have to eat dry cereal while you eat a steak so big you can't even finish it.
-I shouldn't have to walk a half mile to the store in the middle of December when there is a perfectly good car in the garage that you wont give me the keys to.
-I shouldnt have had a bruise on my arm for three weeks because you cant control your temper.
-I shouldn't have to be told I am useless as a woman because I can't have kids.
-I shouldn't have gotten kicked out of the Navy because you lied to the cops.
-I shouldn't have been on light-duty while I was in the Navy, due to the back problems that YOU GAVE ME from fracturing my spine.
-I shouldn't have lost all my friends because you didn't like them.


---

I know there are tons of things I didn't do right either. But you can blog about those, if it bothers you so much. I know you won't.

So as of the first week of January, goodbye Jon, goodbye California, goodbye miserable existence.

I am moving in with some friends in Oklahoma, who I love dearly, and to me, they're not just friends, but family. They (and most of my top friends on myspace) have tried to get me to move out before, but I was still jaded.

So please, cheer me on. I need it. I can only do this if there are others around to support the changes I am trying to make. I've been trying to free mankind and yet I remained a slave in my own existence.

I feel like I have done all I can.
This is just me, at my breaking point, saying "I can live a better life."

I love you all.
xoxo

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