So I've decided...

I don't think I mesh well with about 99% of the population... mainly because I am pretty distrustful of people and I always think they have ulterior motives, which I am sure is really the case 75% of the time... the other times, its possible it could just be my imagination.

It's hard to trust people tho, bc it seems that no matter how good a person you are and how many good deeds you do for others, it will all come back to throw dirt in your eye. There have been many times I've done things for people and got walked on afterward...

Growing up, my life was nothing if not a tragedy. I used to be quite nice. A few of my old friends can attest to this, it is true... I use to be very naive and helpful and kind. I used to go out of my way to help people, even tho I were a bit shy. Yes, that part is true too... hard to believe I used to be shy... truth is, I still am, especially around people I hold with a high regard..

Like the first time I got on stage at the Funnybone... I got completely sauced beforehand so I wouldn't know how it went, so I couldn't worry myself with it all... I can only remember maybe a minute or two of my set before the alcohol took over and erased the rest from my mind as it happened... although I was told by quite a few people that I was really funny, I honestly couldn't tell you most of my act.

I am a very bad people person, because once I got off the stage, this scrawny white girl with nappy lime green dreadlocks came up to me and was like "OMG You have a great stage presence! That never happens the first time up! Stick with it girl, you're goin' places!"

Well aside from being the sweetest person I remember encountering that night, she scared the living fuck outta me, since I had no clue as to who she was... so I, being pretty drunk and coming down from a "performance high" say back to her "OMG thanks so much, I was really scared! But Im gonna go sit down now, thanks!"

Then I'll be damned if Rob (the MC) didnt introduce Melanie Malloy (whom I was opening for) and the lime green dreadlocks swung back n forth as she got on stage.

"Shit." I thought to myself an ordered another 1800 double shot marguerita on the rock with salt... and I just sat there the rest of the night with my friends and drank to my hearts content...

I don't even remember going home. How's that for people skills?
You know, it's not easy for me to open up to people who will eventually judge who I am...
It takes a rare form of bravery to be a public person. I am trying to get there, but I feel like I am running out of time for some reason.

Weird huh?


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